Yes. Please Tell Us What You Would Have Done In a Mass Shooting

“If I was there, I woulda…”

Living in America means living with gun violence on small and big scales. And after such tragedies you’ll come across a gun enthusiast/professional marksman who always has an opinion on what they would have done if they happened to be at a mass shooting.

On the day of the El Paso shooting, I found myself in the barber’s chair getting a haircut. One thing you must know about black barber shops is that black barbers talk a lot and take forever to actually cut your hair. They’re watching sports, or a comedy special; talking about the latest gossip (Joe Budden is the third greatest rapper of all time? Really?), or pretty much taking as much time away from your hair as possible. It’s part of the culture.

While watching coverage of the shooting, my barber, JJ, states, “Man, that’s why I keep my pistol on me.” To which I replied, “And you would’ve gotten shot too.” What is it with gun people who think that they would handle a crisis better than trained professionals? A pistol is no match for a military style weapon and I highly doubt you’ve been practicing on moving targets. Unless you count giving a haircut to a toddler.

Think about all of the elements involved in a situation like that: people running in all directions, screaming, crying, chaos. You mean to tell me that YOU’RE gonna be calm and ready to take on the incel with the high powered weaponry? I don’t think so. The incel is loaded in more ways than one, and also, YOU’RE A BARBER, DUDE! When I came in here, you were getting a plate of ribs from the new soul food place next door! How fast are you getting your gun with a plate in one hand and a strawberry soda in the other?! You’re gonna get sauce all over everything! Your shoes aren’t even tied! You don’t have the agility and/or coordination to handle this kind of thing! How fast can you run a 40, JJ?!

Needless to say, JJ didn’t like me doubting his abilities and charged me 5 extra bucks in his rage. I think it was an emotional charge. I’m just glad he didn’t mess up my fade.